Friday, May 11, 2012

Time for a fresh start.

Have you ever hit that point where you're not 100% happy with yourself or your life but you're not miserable with it, either? Maybe you've felt stuck in that awkward in-between melancholy of "well I guess this is okay... it could be better but it could definitely be worse" and have found yourself to feel restless and jittery as a result?

That's more or less where I am right now. Overall my life as a life is in a pretty good place, but I'm unhappy with myself. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in a good place life-plan-wise... Working at my dad's clinic, going back to school at the end of August... but I keep getting that nagging "I feel absolutely gross" feeling.

It happens early in the morning or late at night-- when I'm rushing around getting ready for work, or getting ready for bed.

When it comes right down to it, I am not happy with my body. Four years ago, I was in high school (just about to graduate) and while I wasn't in the greatest shape, I sure as heck was in far better condition than I am now. Time and time again, I've expressed my unhappiness with myself to people and have been told "you look way better than I do, it can't be that bad!"

... Well, it isn't "that bad", but I've also become really good at dressing myself to cover up as much of myself as I possibly can. And to be quite honest, it's gotten pretty old-- I'm fed up with my poor eating habits and that awful cycle of comfort/boredom eating, tired of wearing hoodies constantly so it looks like my clothing fits me better than it actually does... I feel dishonest about myself and it's bizarre and uncomfortable.

Which is what brings me here. I've re-shuffled things and moved an old blog that I hadn't written in for more than a year out of the way, and want to make a new start. Over the years I've discovered that I need to have accountability in some form in order to make that happen without constantly doing the old stop-start-delaydelaydelay cycle. (Yes, that was a weirdly-phrased way of me calling myself painfully lazy)

This isn't just about me getting my body into better shape, but really my entire life could use a bit of a refresher.

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