self-evaluation.

This weekend, food-and-exercise-wise, was... well, "not great" is an understatement but "horrible" is blowing it out of proportion. Somewhere in between. I have a lot harder time staying focused on weekends, it would seem... and I'm really prone to boredom eating.

I think my main problem right now is sodium. I crave it constantly... which is an uncomfortable feeling to say the least, especially since most of my go-to sodium snacks (Premium Plus saltine crackers, anyone?) are simple-carb heavy and just altogether nutritionally... yeah. Not good at all, especially since I can polish off an entire sleeve of saltines in one day, easily.

Fighting the sodium addiction is not as easy as
I'd like it to be.
(image from here.)

Remedying that, however, isn't as easy as I wish it were. I'm trying to fill that "omg need salt nowww" void with fresh veggies and fruit-- it's almost nectarine season! yay!-- but it isn't working quite the way I was hoping it would. I need more substance, as it were.

I took the time yesterday to cook up a big batch of quinoa, hopefully enough to last me the week, plus some kale stir-fry (kale, red and yellow peppers, a white onion, garlic and a half cup of hemp seeds). Nutritionally speaking, it's great, and actually really filling. It tastes quite good, too, despite what my dad thinks.

All things considered, I should be set for the week lunch-wise. Rory's still at home so I've asked him to go to the grocery store today and pick up some produce for me-- fruit, veggies, spaghetti squash-- so that I can do some cooking + prep work while I still have the motivation to (ha). If the food is in my fridge, I'll eat it.

I noticed yesterday that I haven't been feeling quite as bloated and gross as I had been during the week, too. Hopefully that's a sign that either a) I have good targets as far as calorie + nutrient intake go, and/or b) I've lost a bit of weight already. Here's to it being both of the above.

I'm so glad that it's nearly summer. It's drizzly and grey today, but it was so nice over the weekend and I'm in a far better mood than I usually am on Monday/Tuesday mornings.

one weekend down...

... and the rest of a "lifetime of better habits and choices" to go! Ha.

I'm already feeling overwhelmed (and number-crazy. Yikes.) but I think I have a good start... somewhat. I haven't taken the time to cook up a massive batch of my favourite quinoa-peppers-and-kale concoction yet but that will likely happen either tonight or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow, since I'm fairly certain it will be my first evening alone in months-- Rory should be heading back to work tomorrow.

He's been home for two months straight (spring break-up). As much as I adore the man, I can't wait to get back to my normal routine... I make far better choices as far as food and exercise go when he's not home. I'm a lot less likely to indulge in my lazy tendencies when he's not waiting for me to cuddle up with him and watch Futurama or some-such.

So on Friday evening I went to the ballet with my grandmother at the Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium-- a production of Love Lies Bleeding, which is a collaborative production between Alberta Ballet and... Elton John! Not the first time I've seen it, but it was every bit as good as I remembered (the first time having been May 2010, when the production had its' debut). It's been reworked since I first saw it (according to the Globe and Mail review of the Toronto run in November 2011), with some time and choreography changes... but the message is still powerful (with strong emphasis on John's own experiences, homoerotic imagery, drug use/abuse, bullying, but overall... empowerment!) and from what I saw the audience left the Jube feeling triumphant.

The Edmonton Journal's preview/review of the production, found here, also includes a video.

And in the interest of attempting to be more physically active, I decided to walk from my apartment to the Jubilee Auditorium (don't you love how sidetracked I got there? I'm *fantastic* at that...). It was about a 3.5 kilometer walk, and I did it in just over 45 minutes-- including a stop at Remedy Cafe for a chai tea milkshake (oops). It felt good! My calves aren't super happy with me for it, but overall... a decent start.

Time for a fresh start.

Have you ever hit that point where you're not 100% happy with yourself or your life but you're not miserable with it, either? Maybe you've felt stuck in that awkward in-between melancholy of "well I guess this is okay... it could be better but it could definitely be worse" and have found yourself to feel restless and jittery as a result?

That's more or less where I am right now. Overall my life as a life is in a pretty good place, but I'm unhappy with myself. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in a good place life-plan-wise... Working at my dad's clinic, going back to school at the end of August... but I keep getting that nagging "I feel absolutely gross" feeling.

It happens early in the morning or late at night-- when I'm rushing around getting ready for work, or getting ready for bed.

When it comes right down to it, I am not happy with my body. Four years ago, I was in high school (just about to graduate) and while I wasn't in the greatest shape, I sure as heck was in far better condition than I am now. Time and time again, I've expressed my unhappiness with myself to people and have been told "you look way better than I do, it can't be that bad!"

... Well, it isn't "that bad", but I've also become really good at dressing myself to cover up as much of myself as I possibly can. And to be quite honest, it's gotten pretty old-- I'm fed up with my poor eating habits and that awful cycle of comfort/boredom eating, tired of wearing hoodies constantly so it looks like my clothing fits me better than it actually does... I feel dishonest about myself and it's bizarre and uncomfortable.

Which is what brings me here. I've re-shuffled things and moved an old blog that I hadn't written in for more than a year out of the way, and want to make a new start. Over the years I've discovered that I need to have accountability in some form in order to make that happen without constantly doing the old stop-start-delaydelaydelay cycle. (Yes, that was a weirdly-phrased way of me calling myself painfully lazy)

This isn't just about me getting my body into better shape, but really my entire life could use a bit of a refresher.