The whole "confidence" thing. (a story)

I have struggled with my self-confidence and sense of self-worth my entire life.

As an elementary- and junior high-aged child and preteen, I could count on half of one hand the number of actual friends that I had, but had to use both hands and feet and borrow a few more to name all the kids that I knew who made me feel miserable. Not a pleasant period of my life by any stretch of the imagination.

At the time, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, what I did to warrant being treated the way I was... looking back, it's a lot easier for me to see what elements of my personality and my home life put me in such stark contrast to my peers and influenced it. I was little, smart, very precocious and didn't really have much in the way of social perception. It's taken me a long time to realize that the way I was (it wasn't a matter of "acting" for me, I couldn't for the life of me do anything that wasn't true to myself) made a lot of people-- both children and adults alike-- very uncomfortable.

Me, circa 9th grade. This picture would have been
right around my 15th birthday.

As a result of my personality and my home life-- a mixed race child in a low-income family living at the edge of a very affluent neighborhood, most of my peers being caucasian children from very wealthy families-- I was socially ostracized, and treated quite cruelly by many classmates for years and years. And since I went to the same small school for elementary and junior high, I was with many of these selfsame classmates for a full ten years.